1. Evaluating family rules and chores
In some families, there are too many rigid rules, in others there are insufficient rules. It is good for parents to periodically evaluate their family rules, including those relating to chores. Questions that should be asked include:
-Are there too many rules?
-Look at each rule and ask why the rule exists. Is it for the child’s benefit, or the parents’?
-Do the rules match the age level capabilities of each child?
-Are any of the rules discouraging for any of the children?
-When was the last time a rule was changed? Are rules changing as children grow?
-In what areas is there frustration?
-Is there need for a new rule?

2. Consistency of discipline
One of the characteristics of a dysfunctional family is inconsistency, which includes inconsistency in discipline, in enforcing rules and chores. Consistency is needed in the following:
-In the manner of discipline
-In expecting immediate obedience
-Both parents doing the same thing in discipline
-in enforcing rules
-in setting and enforcing the doing of chores
-In keeping your word

3. How to carry out discipline
The recommended procedure to follow in discipline is as follows:
-Cool down first
-Stop and ask yourself a few questions – ‘Why am I reacting like this?’ ‘Is God speaking to me in this?’ ‘Do I have something to resolve?’
-Pray and deal with any inappropriate reactions
-Explain why to the child
-Carry it out
-Consider it finished

4. When not to discipline
It’s not appropriate to discipline in the following situations:
-In anger
-When irritated
-When embarrassed
-In violation of their rights

(Christian Counselling and Family Therapy – Volume 5. Dr Bruce & Nellie Litchfield)

The best measures parents can take to prevent their children from getting involved in alcohol and drugs and other destructive behavious is to build a good personal relationship with them.

Ten Ways to Talk to Your Child About Drugs
In the light of the studies, parents need to face the real possibility of their child, at least some time, experimenting with alcohol and drugs. The following ten guidelines can help parents address this issue:
1. Make time to talk with your children about their interests. Don’t be afraid to ask them where they are going.
2. Listen to them. Invite their input on family decisions. Encourage them to share their problems with you and carefully listen and try to understand them.
3. Be a good role model, especially in relation to tobacco and alcohol. Don’t underestimate the influence your behaviour can have on your child.
4. Be honest. Be informed but don’t pretend to know everything. Your child will find it easier to be honest with you.
5. Choose the right time to discuss the topic of alcohol and drugs by looking for natural opportunities when they arise, such as watching tv or talking about someone else involved in drugs.
6. Avoid conflict by trying to see your child’s point of view and encourage them to understand yours. If a confrontation develops, stop the conversation and return when you’re both calmer.
7. Be calm. Don’t ridicule or lecture. Getting angry will just close the door on further discussion.
8. Keep talking. Ensure you are always willing to speak to your child about drugs and any other problems they may have and start early.
9. Set clear boundaries. Allow your child to take part in setting the rules to encourage responsibility. Once you have set the rules, enforce and ensure your child knows the consequences of breaking them.
10. Focus on the positive. Reward your child’s good behaviour and affirm them for things they do well.

(Christian Counselling and Family – Volume 5. Dr Bruce & Nellie Litchfield)

The repression of anger and the resulting resentment is a very common response to anger. Christians are particularly prone to this because many think it is wrong to have angry feelings and express them.

Symptoms of Repressed Anger
-Procrastination in completing imposed tasks
-Preference for sadistic, ironic or barbed humour
-Sarcasm, cynicism or flippancy in conversation
-Frequent sighing
-Affected politeness and cheerfulness
-Smiling when hurting
-Laughing when nothing is funny
-Frequent nightmares or disturbed dreams
-Difficulty sleeping
-Boredom, apathy, loss of interest in things that were once of interest
-Slowing of movements
-Excessive irritability over trivialities
-Sleeping more than usual as an escape
-Drowsiness at inappropriate times
-Temporo-mandibular joint pain syndrome (TMJ)
-Depression
-Overworking and overachieving
-Other stress-related physical symptoms – back and neck problems, facial tics, spasmodic foot movements, habitual fist clenching, stomach ulcers, vague pains, high blood pressure
-Many other psychosomatic illnesses

Anger can be rightly expressed in a respectful, non-physical manner; in fact, anger needs to be expressed in this way. One of the healthiest means of handling anger is being assertive. Assertiveness is the ability to honestly express feelings and to ask for what one wants and needs, while also respecting others. In the case of anger management, it’s helpful to assume the issue causing the anger is legitimate. Assertiveness is not the same as aggression.

The following can help in the process of becoming more assertive:
-being honest about your feelings
-stating opinions firmly and expressing feelings appropriately
-getting free of people pleasing
-setting and controlling boundaries
-saying NO and YES when necessary
-use ‘I’ statements rather than condemning ‘You’ statements
-setting time limits on events that are not mutually enjoyed
-requesting legitimate favours
-addressing problems in the open and asking questions when confused

(Christian Counselling and Family Therapy Volume 4. Dr Bruce & Nellie Litchfield

Bill Gothard comments that the root cause of people’s conflict is: ‘A wrong response to God in resisting His grace’ (the desire and power God gives to do His will). This leads to the root problems of bitterness, greed and moral impurity. Surface problems and causes, including anger, flow out of this.

Many ask the question, ‘Is God unfair? Is God silent? Is God hidden? Surely a loving God would not allow this to happen?’ These are valid questions that demand an answer. The result is often anger against God, or at least disappointment with God. What is critical – in all these situations relating to injustice – is to focus on the true character of God and move away from blaming God for what’s happened.  The Bible clearly tells us that God is a God of love (John 3:16) and he is just in all his ways (Deuteronomy 32:4).

When anger against God is expressed, it’s seen in such things as physical aggression, criticism and overachieving.

Expressed properly to God, anger isn’t a problem, as the book of Job and many of the Psalms indicate. However, if it’s associated with such things as sadness, self-pity, apathy and helplessness, it can have disastrous effects on the person.

(Christian Counselling and Family Therapy – Volume 4. Dr Bruce & Nellie Litchfield)

Powerful healing dynamics are present in a healthy Christian community in both the main church gathering and in home groups. This goes beyond what can be done in a therapy context. Get involved in a good church and home group where these dynamics can be experienced.

The healing dynamics present in a church and church home group are many:
- Praise & worship
- Love, acceptance and forgiveness
- The Lord’s supper
- Teaching
- Faith, hope and love
- Excercise of spiritual gifts
- Christian fellowship
- Mutual sharing and caring
- Feedback
- Prayer
- Practical support
- The presence of healthy families

(Christian Counselling and Family Therapy – Volume 5. Dr Bruce & Nellie Litchfield)

If you’re involved in a major loss, you need to give yourself permission to grieve.

The Lord supports and sympathises with those who grieve and intervenes in the grieving process:
- the God who grieves (John 11:33-36, Luke 13:34)
- the God who sees our losses – this helps us in facing reality (Mark 5:21-34
- the God who hears us when we are depressed – this helps us in our identity, self esteem and gives us hope (Psalm 42:1-4,7-11)
- the God who loves us when we feel afraid – he helps us deal with fear (Mark 16:1-8)
- the God who is with us when we feel alone – he helps us face loneliness and the embarrassment of others (Psalm 142)
- the God who offers healing – Jesus bore our griefs so we do not have to have prolonged grief (Isaiah 53:4)
- the God who helps us reinvest in life (Psalm 30)

Jesus took our griefs and sorrows to the cross and bore them – so that nobody else has to do that (Isaiah 53:4). How sad it is that people are so naturally reluctant to go to the cross and to the one whom has promised to take our burden:
Come unto Me all you who labour and are heavy burdened and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

Christians are called to be peacemakers.

Peace means more than the absence of conflict but being at peace in every area of life – with God, self and others. Peacemaking involves facing and resolvng conflict. Peacekeeping, in contrast, is simply smoothing over things and not facing the real conflict. The result is that there is no resolution.

In Matthew 18, the Lord sets out a three-step method for conflict resolution. Steps for getting reconciled with an offended person are set out in Matthew 5:24.

Christian maturity involves speaking the truth in love to another (Ephesians 4:13-14)

Factors for effective communication and conflict resolution
Effective communication and conflict resolution must include the following factors:
- Affirmation – a context of previous affirmation
- Assertiveness – parties must be honest about their feelings and desires
 - Active listening – must be used to the maximum
- Challenging – must be done following the guidelines
- Ground rules for communication and conflict resolution – these must be followed.

Ground Rules for Communication and Conflict Resolution
General ground rules for communicating in all interpersonal relationships are as follows:
-Right timing
- Active listening
- Share on deep-feeling level
- No interruption, except for clarification
- Equal time to each for sharing
- No stomping out in anger
-No withdrawing in silence
- Use ‘I’, not ‘You’ or ‘We’ statements
- No global statements (eg always, never)
- Keep to the here and now
- No quick advice
- No jumping to conclusions
- No quick judgements
- No judging motives (be generous)
- Be patient and quick to forgive

Many wrongly see conflict as a sign of failure, bad leadership or even sinful. While some differences between people are irresolvable, mot can be resolved if the parties have the skills to negotiate the differences.

(Christian Counselling and Family Therapy -Volume 3. Dr Bruce & Nellie Litchfield)

‘Poor in spirit’ means humility, absolutely and desparately poor, powerlessness, humiliation, brokenness, dependance, contentment, exalter of free grace, not insisting on personal rights, not seeking great things for self but accepting a despised place, prayerful, truly subject, willing to be governed:
‘Come unto Me, all you who labour and are heavy laden.’ (Matthew 11:28-30)
‘The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and contrite heart – these O God You will not despise.’ (Psalm 51:17)
‘The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart and saves such as have a contrite spirit.’ (Psalm 34:18)
‘I dwell… with him who is of a contrite and humble spirit.’ (Isaiah 57:15)
‘To this man will I look: to the afflicted and contrite in spirit.’ (Isaiah 66:2)

Many have written about this beautitude as follows:

Brokennes is a picturesque word and is the key to revival… this truth has to be learnt by 20th Century Christians, surrounded as they are with all their respectability. (Norman Grubb in Continuous Revival)

Brokenness is a daily experience in humility to the conviction of God, which we learn at the Cross. (Roy Hession in The Calvary Road)

There is nothing more beautiful than one who is broken. (Watchman Nee in A Living Sacrifice)

Being poor in spirit does not mean having a poverty mentality towards finances, an emotional poverty or any other kind of poverty but it does mean being set free from these things and depending on God. It all means death to self. This is never more needed than now with all the emphasis abroad on self-centred Christianity – self-esteem, self-image, self-worth, self-discovery, self-actualisation, self-awareness and self-forgiveness. While there is some truth in these concepts, they are generally unbiblical. The Bible teaches self-denial, self-sacrifice and self-discipline. Jesus said:
‘If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow Me.’ (Matthew 16:25)
‘If anyone comes to Me and does not hate… his own life also, he cannot be My disciple.’ (Luke 14:26)

The Eldest Child
The eldest child tends to be a perfectionist, leader, high achiever, very responsible, tense, serious, reserved, pressurised, disciplined and guardian of the status quo.

The Youngest Child
The youngest child tends to get a lot of attention regarded as special and is favoured (spoilt). This child is spontaneous, optimistic, outgoing, rebellious if bossed around too much and manipulative. The child is a follower rather than a leader, tends to be dependant and moody and often fills the role of family clown.

The Middle Child
The middle child is the most difficult to describe as there are fewer distinctive traits. The middle child is very much affected by the older and younger siblings. The result can be identity confusion. The middle child can be less capable of taking initiative, a low achiever, introverted, anxious, self-critical and slow to share feelings. The child often feels life is unfair. The middle child is squeezed out by the eldest and youngest, appearing to be the odd one out, getting the ‘hand-me-down’ clothes. There will be fewer photos of the middle child in the family album in comparison to the eldest. The result of this is that the middle child often feels a need to rebel to gain attention.

The Only Child
This category includes not only the actual only child but also the youngest who is seven or more years younger than the second youngers. The only child has the best and worst of all worlds – having characteristics of the oldest and the youngest. The only child tends to have higher self esteem than others, is less controlling and less resentful of authority. This child demands a lot from life, excels at school, tends to be a perfectionist and a high achiever. It can be difficult to relate to others and some prefer to be alone.

Parents need to relate differently to each child, depending on their individual needs. We go into this in detail in Christian Counselling and Family Therapy – Volume 8