Learning To Weather The Resistance In Teen Parenting

During the teenage or adolescent years, children are transitioning from childhood into adulthood. Ideally, we want them to grow up to excel in their gifting and live out their God-given purpose. Too soon our children grow up to begin lives of their own away from the family home. Our heart’s desire is to see them flourish on their own as they build on Godly principles and foundations we’ve established.

If it were only that easy.  During the teen years, parents are usually met with more opposition than ever before, and if we are not careful, this resistance can turn into full-blown rebellion. I’ve learned to watch my actions and watch my words as they can be destructive or breathe life into situations.

Parenting is hard work and all home environments are as unique as the individuals living in them.  See the list below of some practical things I have learned about being a parent to my teen. 

Expect resistance to change

Our youth need to develop skills like emotional intelligence, logic, the ability to negotiate, learn to accept responsibility and face the consequences of their actions.  We can’t possibly teach what we don’t’ practice ourselves.

Be Strong & Patient – As parents, we need to be strong like deciduous trees that lose their leaves every year in Autumn. Yet, they remain standing with their roots dug deep in the soil throughout all of the unfavourable weather. In other words, be wise, rely on God, keep your cool, be in control and be the adult.

Communicate to Identify the root cause of the resistance

Challenge or question the reasons or motives behind resistant behaviour. I like to keep open communication enabling us to discuss anything and everything. I also listen carefully to allow my daughter to feel respected and make sure she’s heard.

Below is a summary of what has or hasn’t worked for us:

Fighting Back and Arguing

It’s impossible to encourage teens when we are fighting with them and provoking them to anger. Colossians 3:21 “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” (This verse applies to all parents)

The Temptation

When they don’t do their share of the housework, it can be tempting for mum or dad to take over and finish tasks assigned to their teen. Don’t!  They will only learn that they can rely on you to do the work for them.

Apply New Tactics when the old methods no longer work

A new tactic I tried was patiently repeating things over and over again, firmly but kindly, past the point of being sick of the sound of my own voice. A lot of the time I used humour for motivation. Nothing was lost. The relationship remained intact because respecting them actually works. Be patient.

There came a time where I no longer had to repeat myself. However, we still have a lot of work to do in other areas. On a positive note, I’m seeing the fruit of my labour in the progress we’ve made. Instead of having the sound of my voice blocked out, she’s actually responding. If we do anything without love, we become annoying like a clanging bell.

The Frustration, The Anger and The Wait

You might find yourself asking God, “Why is this so frustratingly difficult and how much longer?” 

Our waiting will take as long as it takes. Our kids are individuals who will develop and learn in their own time. But prayer certainly helps. God is faithful.

There have been times when I’ve failed to deal with my own frustrations. We’re not perfect.

Discipline Hurts

All kids need to respect boundaries. In our home, the consequences of crossing the line can mean time-out for a family chat with mum and dad, taking away privileges, and also being grounded for two weeks or more. While this might seem harsh, it gets the point across. 

Electronic gadgets, the computer, phone and anything digital can become off-limits, and being grounded also means not going out with friends.

Hebrews 12:11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Helpful Parenting Websites

1.  Kid Spot
2.  Raising Children’s Network – Tips and advice to help with raising children of all ages.
3.  Focus on the Family Australia

Sandra Ciminelli
Cred. Dip. Couns. (Christian)