Transition Feels Like Grief When A Child Grows Up

My son finishes school this week. I’m incredibly excited. I feel like I could burst with pride as I look at the amazing, self-reliant young man he is becoming and the opportunities that stretch before him.

But amidst the happiness and excitement there is also something else going on. I am sad. I am nervous. I feel uncertain. I cry easily. In fact, I think I might be grieving. Maybe. Actually, I don’t know how to define it. And it has taken me by surprise.

I find myself looking at my young man as he tells me about his last day of classes, my mind in another place remembering the feeling of his tiny hand in mine as I walked him to his classroom on his first day of school.

In fact, I’ve been thinking a lot about his ‘firsts’ lately. The day he was born, the moment I first held him in my arms, his first feed, the first time he slept through the night, his first smile, first tooth and first step. Every one of these moments was cause for celebration. We clapped and we cheered him on.

But what I knew as I walked him to his classroom on that first day of school, and what I am struggling with this week, is that every ‘first’ also represents the end of the era that was before. And with every first, my son becomes a little bit more independent than he was before.

It is in this ‘space’ that I am currently struggling with two competing emotions. Over the coming weeks and months my son will leave school behind and take his first steps into adulthood. I am so excited for him and I am looking forward to him finding his way as a self-supporting, well-functioning adult.

But I also want my toddler back. I want to see once more my boy’s huge smile as he runs his very first race at school and sees me in the crowd. I want him to be going on a primary school camp today instead of his final Yr. 12 overnight camp. I want to do all I can to launch him into young adult-hood and I want to hold him tight and never let him go.

I have been struggling with these conflicting thoughts and emotions – trying to make sense of it all. Finally, this morning as I dropped my son to school for the last time, it became clear to me: I am also about to step into a first. I have never parented a young adult before. What does that look like? What will our relationship be like?

Suddenly it all makes sense. At the end of this week my first-born will graduate. And this means that I, too, am facing a time of transition. It is okay to feel sad. It is ok to feel excited. It is okay to feel uncertain be unknown territory lies ahead. The end of one era is the beginning of another.

But we have done this before – my boy and I. We transitioned from infancy to early childhood; from spending our days together at home to the structure of a school week; from primary school into middle school; through puberty and into adolescence and although we have left things behind we have also both grown and gained so much. And we will do it again this time.

A new journey awaits you my boy. It is new and exciting and a little bit scary at the same time. It’s okay – I’m feeling it too. This week I’m going to cry and grieve what was. But when you see my tears please understand that I am also incredibly happy for you and excited about what the future holds. Perhaps one day when you are a parent you will understand what I mean when I say that right now – in this moment of time – I want to hold you tight and I want to let you go at the same time.

And so, as you take this next step and I clap and cheer you on, my confidence is in God who has good plans for your life. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

I am so proud to do this amazing journey called “life” with you.

Mum xx

Perhaps you are experiencing transition at the moment and can identify with one or more of these stages:

• Denial (this won’t happen)
• Resistance (I don’t want this to happen)
• Exploration (if it is going to happen what’s in it for me?)
• Commitment (this is going to happen and I want to be part of it)

(G & M Brown, 2003)

Recognising what stage of the process we are in can be helpful. It is also important to remember that navigating change takes time. If you feel you need help…..

Written by Ps. Jude Crank
aifc tutor 

WHERE TO FIND HELP

• See your doctor
• Search for a counsellor near you theaca.net.au
• LifelineA 24 hour counselling services for those in crisis 13 11 14
• Kids Helpline  Counselling service 1800 551 800

Men’s Helpline – 24/7 Counselling 1300 789 978