The Vicious Cycle of Hurt: Why Pain Can Lead to Hurting Others

We all know someone who seems difficult to get along with — perhaps a family member, someone in church, or a person in our wider social circles. Looking more closely at what makes them tick can sometimes reveal a deeper reality about how pain shapes behaviour.

When people hurt us, it can leave us feeling angry, confused, and wounded. We may ask ourselves: “Why are they so unjust? Why do they do it? Why me?” When trust becomes difficult to give, being hurt can lead to a deep-seated mistrust of others and a tendency to withdraw or react harshly.

Why Pain Can Lead to Negative Patterns

Sandra Wilson Ph.D. explains in her book ‘Hurt People Hurt People’ that no person on the planet is exempt from being deeply wounded by another person.  Those who have been badly hurt often repeat the offense by hurting others. In her professional opinion; most maladaptive adult behaviours come from childhood hurts. With child-like perceptions they try to answer questions of “trust, identity and attachment to affect the emotionally wounded child to develop with a deep sense of shame and worthlessness.  As a result, they learn child-like ways of dealing with residual childhood hurts as a self defence mechanism.

The idea that people who have been hurt may go on to hurt others has deep roots in both popular and professional thinking. In counselling and trauma-informed practice, we recognise that unresolved pain and trauma can influence how people perceive threat, relate to others, and regulate their emotions — especially if they have not had the skills or support to process that pain.

While this saying — “hurt people hurt people” — is a simplified way of summarising complex patterns of relational and emotional behaviour, it highlights a pattern that many counsellors and psychologists observe: people shaped by significant hurt can repeat unhelpful patterns unless the pain is acknowledged and addressed.

Thinking Patterns and Behaviour

We can’t control what others choose to do, but we can take responsibility for the way our thoughts influence the way we act and react. Unhealthy thinking patterns — such as assuming others will always hurt you, or seeing criticism as personal attack — can fuel behaviours that hurt others.

Contemporary counselling emphasises that such patterns often arise from survival responses shaped by past pain rather than deliberate cruelty, and these responses can be reshaped through awareness, skilled support, and new relational experiences.

Can These Patterns Change?

Change becomes possible when a person is aware of the problem, takes responsibility, and commits to learning new patterns of thinking and relating. In both psychological and Christian frameworks, this involves:

• recognising past hurts and how they continue to influence behaviour

• developing skills to regulate emotions constructively

• cultivating healthier beliefs about self and others

• engaging with safe, corrective relationships

In Christian terms, the Greek word for repentance, “metanoia” — meaning a change of mind — captures this shift. Change often involves renewing the mind and nurturing a deeper, more accurate sense of self and others. Faith and reliance on the Holy Spirit, for those who believe, can be part of this transformation.

Mark McMinn, author of ‘Psychology, Theology and Spirituality, wrote how having “a healthy sense of self” lies in having an “accurate sense of self, accurate sense of need, and healing relationships”.

When these are confronted in counselling, McMinn’s three elements will also be significantly and effectively strengthened.

1. Their child-like understanding of God
2. Self perception
3. Perception of others

The bible shows that change is not only possible but essential to enable the Christian to remain and grow in God’s Will.

• Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
• Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.”

People acting from a place of pain often hurt others. The underlying factor is that they often don’t love themselves enough. They have a deep yearning for love and a desire to belong.

The Role of Forgiveness and Responsibility

Christian teaching underscores that while people acting from a place of pain often hurt others, they are still responsible for their actions. Forgiveness is encouraged not to excuse behaviour but to release the grip of past pain and create space for healing.

Whether dealing with bullies, friends, family members, or strangers, taking responsibility for our reactions, choosing forgiveness rather than retaliation, and extending empathy where possible are all part of breaking the cycle.

When to Seek Support

If you find yourself repeating the patterns of others, or if forgiving is too difficult on your own, consider speaking with a qualified counsellor. Professional support can help you understand how past hurt shapes your patterns and teach you evidence-informed strategies for change.

Want to help others overcome their difficulties?

Learn to confidently provide spiritual, emotional and mental health support to others by gaining counselling skills. Equip yourself to address the myriad of issues vast amounts of people face daily. Study our accredited and contextualised counselling courses that won’t contradict the bible. The CHC51015 Diploma of Counselling provides church leaders, clergy and all Christians over 18 years of age with counselling skills and ethical boundaries. Book a course advisory sessions with our team to talk through which course is right for you – HERE

Recommended Reading:

5 Ways Shattered Trust Can Be Regained
The Aftermath Of Domestic Violence Hurts Everyone
How A Lack Of Counselling Training Is Hurting The Church

Sources:

• Grand Rapids: Discovery House Publishers. McMinn, Mark R. (1996). Psychology, Theology, And Spirituality In Counselling.
• Carol Stream: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Dr Caroline Leaf –http://drleaf.com/about/toxic-thoughts/
• Wilson, Sandra. D. (2001). Hurt People Hurt People: Hope And Healing For Yourself And Your Relationships.
• Bible Gateway