The Vicious Cycle Of Hurt People Hurting Others

The Vicious Cycle Of Hurt People Hurting Others

We all know someone that’s impossible to get along with. They could be someone sitting in the church, be a member of the family or even someone in our social circles. Seeing them in a different light may get you thinking about what makes them tick.

When people hurt us, It leaves us feeling angry that they can be so selfish and inconsiderate of others.  We often ask ourselves, “Why are they so unjust?  Why do they do it?  Why me?”

When trust is difficult to come by… Being hurt can lead to a deep seeded mistrust of others.

Sandra Wilson Ph.D. explains in her book ‘Hurt People Hurt People’ that no person on the planet is exempt from being deeply wounded by another person.  Those who have been badly hurt often repeat the offense by hurting others. In her professional opinion; most maladaptive adult behaviours come from childhood hurts. With child-like perceptions they try to answer questions of “trust, identity and attachment to affect the emotionally wounded child to develop with a deep sense of shame and worthlessness.  As a result, they learn child-like ways of dealing with residual childhood hurts as a self defence mechanism.

We can’t control what others do. We can only take responsibility for ourselves and the way we think as it affects the way we act and react. Unhealthy thinking patterns end up harming us. Dr Caroline Leaf, a cognitive neuroscientist, believes that our, “Toxic Thinking” has a negative impact on our mental and physical health.

Can these people change?

Change becomes possible when a person is aware of the problem, takes responsibility and makes a commitment to change. Repentance allows for a change of mind and a change of heart.  The Greek word for repentance is, “metanoia” which means ‘a change of mind’. Dr Wilson believes that breaking the patterns of hurting others begins by practicing new choices and in her book states that “Making and consistently practicing new choices produces change”. She also acknowledges that complete reliance on the Holy Spirit is necessary for these changes to take place, quoting scripture and asserting that God enables this change.

Mark McMinn, author of ‘Psychology, Theology and Spirituality, wrote how having “a healthy sense of self” lies in having an “accurate sense of self, accurate sense of need, and healing relationships”.

When these are confronted in counselling, McMinn’s three elements will also be significantly and effectively strengthened.

1. Their child like understanding of God
2. Self perception
3. Perception of others

The bible shows that change not only possible but essential to enable the Christian to remain and grow in God’s Will.

• Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
• Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.”

People acting from a place of pain often hurt others. The underlying factor is the they often don’t love themselves enough. They have a deep yearning for love and desire to belong.

Bullying is a form of rejection that can result in the person being bullied becoming a bully. However, God looks into the heart of the matter and that’s what we need to work on. We are ultimately responsible for our own actions. God also wants us to forgive those who hurt us. Bullies, thugs, hooligans and vandals included. Even if our first instinct is to react, we need to take responsibility and do what we can to stop reacting and start forgiving and loving others.

See a qualified counsellor if you find yourself reapeating the offense of others and want to stop or if you’re finding that forgiving others is too difficult. Holding onto our hurts never lets any offender off the hook. It only backfires on us.

Recommended Reading:

5 Ways Shattered Trust Can Be Regained
The Aftermath Of Domestic Violence Hurts Everyone
How A Lack Of Counselling Training Is Hurting The Church

Sandra Ciminelli
Cred.Dip.Couns.(Christian)

Sources:

• Grand Rapids: Discovery House Publishers. McMinn, Mark R. (1996). Psychology, Theology, And Spirituality In Counselling.
• Carol Stream: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Dr Caroline Leaf –http://drleaf.com/about/toxic-thoughts/
• Wilson, Sandra. D. (2001). Hurt People Hurt People: Hope And Healing For Yourself And Your Relationships.
• Bible Gateway

Want to help others overcome their difficulties?

Learn to confidently provide spiritual, emotional and mental health support to others by gaining counselling skills. Equip yourself to address the myriad of issues vast amounts of people face daily. Study our accredited and contextualised counselling courses that won’t contradict the bible. The CHC51015 Diploma of Counselling provides church leaders, clergy and all Christians over 18 years of age with counselling skills and ethical boundaries. Book a face to face information session, download the course guide and enrol online.