Jesus called us to change, why aren’t we?

You and I, we, are being spiritually formed by something all the time.

In fact, every person since their birth into this world has been and is being spiritually formed.

If you asked someone on the street about their spiritual formation they would probably have a puzzled look on their face and wonder what on earth you are talking about. Perhaps they would engage in the discussion, as in the last 10 years the acceptability of having a ‘spirituality’ is increasingly common—though the nature, inputs and beliefs of that spirituality may be very different depending on that person’s worldview.

In this article, and to be very clear, I am referring to Christian spiritual formation.

I’ve written on this before and quoted Robert Mulholland’s definition of Christian spiritual formation as the process of being formed in the image of Christ for the sake of others. That definition tells us quite a bit. It’s a (non-linear) process that happens over time, marked by events and the work of Christ in us whereby we are becoming more like him. From this we are reminded that it’s not about us and is actually about God—and is for the benefit, the flourishing of others. Moreover, we are reminded this is serious business that requires intentionality given the options in front of us.

We are being shaped into the image of Christ.
Or,
We are being shaped into a horrible caricature of that image—destructive to ourselves and inflicting our brokenness on others.

As CS Lewis writes:

“Every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part that chooses, into something a little different than before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly or hellish creature that is either in harmony with God or a state of war and hatred with God, itself and others…”

So, it’s not merely about acquiring knowledge or engaging in religious practices, but about deep, relational change that integrates our emotional, psychological, and spiritual lives. This transformation occurs primarily in the context of relationships—with God, others, and ourselves.

Really, the difference between forming ourselves and being formed is one of control.

We might conclude that we don’t actually mind spiritual formation—as long as we are in control of it. As long as I can set the limits on its pace and direction. As you and I give up control (and we need the help of Jesus and others to do this) it allows God to do or say something surprising.

Remember, being in control or controlling has many downsides—and one of them is that life becomes very boring. We are opening ourselves up to being addressed by God, to be a receiver. You are being still and letting God be the one to act—in God’s way, in His own time.

The double-edged sword of our formation in Christ is that the place where this formation takes place is where we are most unlike Christ. That’s where our cross is.

Not the difficult boss or person you just can’t connect with or the vicissitudes of life. Our cross is the point where we are unlike Christ.

So, this process of being formed in the image of Christ takes place at the points of unlikeness. This is not to be glossed over. We may feel like it’s hard, overly hard. Yet, we can draw comfort from the challenge that Jesus is far more interested and invested in your formation and life in him than you are in yourself.

That is good news indeed—and why we can be comforted, from the God of all comfort, that it is Him who does that forming and we have a key role in showing up and actively participating.

Spiritual formation also requires intentionality.

While we cannot control the process of growth, we can create conditions that facilitate it. This includes engaging in spiritual practices, such as prayer, Scripture meditation, and community involvement, which help us “put ourselves in the way of God.”

Community, in particular, is vital. As we commit to relationships—even when they are challenging—we learn to love in ways that reflect Christ’s sacrificial love.

Ultimately, spiritual formation is about being “loved into loving.”

As we experience God’s loving presence, we are empowered to extend that love to others, embodying the relational nature of the Gospel. It’s a journey of becoming whole—integrating head and heart knowledge—and living out our faith in ways that transform not only ourselves but also those around us.

Where do you see yourself in this journey?
Are there specific areas where you feel stuck or long for deeper growth?

Mulholland sets some wonderful and important foundations regarding our formation that help us understand this process.

Let’s pause a moment here and remind ourselves that your spiritual formation is not another project to take on or something we have to control or strive at. Quite the opposite. I say this to all my fellow type A’s who might be reading this 🙂

God is far more interested in your formation and doing the deep work in you than you are.

Yet, we have work to do in this. Real work that requires Vision, Intention and Means (VIM) as Dallas Willard puts it.

Why do many of us long for spiritual growth but rarely change?

Dallas Willard’s VIM model—Vision, Intention, Means—offers a clear, honest answer. Without a compelling vision of life with God, we settle for vague spirituality. Without intention, we drift. Without appropriate means, we burn out or give up.

One of the most grounded and helpful frameworks for spiritual formation comes from Dallas Willard’s Renovation of the Heart, where he outlines a path for real transformation:

Willard argues that deep change—becoming more like Christ—is not just about trying harder or waiting for a spiritual high. It requires clarity, commitment, and concrete action.

• First, we need Vision—a rich, compelling picture of what life with God looks like. Not just “being a good Christian,” but truly living in the Kingdom now, where God’s presence shapes our desires, relationships, and inner world.

• But vision alone isn’t enough. We need Intention—a deep resolve to actually pursue that life. This isn’t about guilt or religious effort, but a clear-eyed decision to reorient life around Christ. Without intention, vision fades into wishful thinking.

• Finally, there must be Means—the practical ways this change is nurtured. Spiritual disciplines, community, Scripture, worship, rest, service, and above all, the work of the Holy Spirit. These aren’t magic steps but conduits of grace that form us over time.

Willard’s insight is piercing: many Christians don’t grow because they lack one or more of these. They may admire Jesus but never intend to follow Him in the details of their lives. Or they intend to grow but rely on inspiration without structure.

VIM gives us a roadmap—not for self-help, but for Spirit-formed maturity.

So VIM reminds us that real transformation is possible—but not accidental.

The Key Elements of Spiritual Formation

The key elements of spiritual formation, particularly within the Relational Spirituality framework from Dr. Todd Hall, can be understood through four interdependent components that work together dynamically:
Loving Presence, Attachment, Two Ways of Knowing, and Deep Growth

Loving Union:
This is both the foundation and the ultimate goal of spiritual formation. It involves seeking the good of others and pursuing relational connection. This reflects Jesus’ vision of flourishing, where wholehearted love for God and others is central.

As 1 John 4:19 reminds us, “We love each other because he loved us first.”
Spiritual formation is fundamentally about being “loved into loving.”

Relational Attachment:
Humans are biologically wired for connection, and our attachment relationships—whether with parents, mentors, friends, or God—shape our implicit sense of self. Secure attachment, characterized by safety, encouragement, and coherence, is essential for spiritual growth. These attachment patterns influence how we relate to God and others, making relational experiences a cornerstone of transformation.

Understanding how our attachment patterns, shaped by early relationships, influence how we relate to God and others is critical. For example, if someone has an insecure attachment style, they may struggle to trust God’s love or feel distant from Him. However, the good news is that these patterns can change.

Through new relational experiences—both with God and within a spiritual community—we can develop a secure attachment that fosters deeper connection and growth.

Two Ways of Knowing:
Spiritual formation integrates both explicit (head) and implicit (heart) knowledge. While explicit knowledge involves theological understanding, implicit knowledge reflects our relational and emotional experiences of God.

True transformation occurs when these two ways of knowing are integrated—allowing theological abstractions to become embodied wisdom.

Deep Growth:
This involves transformational change at the level of our implicit relational knowledge. It’s not about superficial or incremental adjustments but about reshaping our attachment filters and implicit self.

This deep, internal change enables us to love God and others more fully, aligning with the relational nature of the Gospel.

These elements highlight that spiritual formation is a relational, integrative, and transformative process.

How do you see these elements playing out in your own spiritual journey?

If you want a good litmus test of your spiritual growth, simply examine the nature and quality of your relationships with others.

Are you more loving, more compassionate, more patient, more understanding, more caring, more giving, more forgiving than you were a year ago?

If you and I can’t answer these—or people who know us well can’t answer them in the affirmative—then it presents an opportunity and priority to review the nature of our spiritual life and growth.

Some questions to ask can include:

• What is getting in the way of my relationship with God?

• What are 1–2 areas of my life where I am most unlike Christ?

• Who can I invite in (safely and with high trust) to share this with?

• What training and equipping do I need?

Friends, our spiritual formation in the context of our life in Christ is the biggest priority of our life. Everything else is a distant second.

At AIFC, it is part of our DNA and our reason for being—to invest in the faith and formation of the people we are training and equipping.

Christian Spiritual Formation is central to all of AIFC’s teaching and training of Christian Counsellors and Coaches.

Go well,
Nicholas Marks, Founder & CEO