Commencing The School Year

Starting a new school year can be an exciting time for many children, whilst others experience anxiety about the new school year or about leaving those they love. Although each of us have had to deal with separation at some stage in our lives, some children find this harder than others. For some of these children, and their parents, this can be a very difficult time. Children experiencing anxiety find their body in a state of high alert because their emotional system is overriding their thinking system and they are faced with irrational thoughts which affect all aspects of their lives.
Many parents seek ways to help support their child and have found some of the following strategies helpful during this stressful time.

At home

Allow your child to talk about their feelings. Even if their fears sound irrational to you, they are real to them at the time. Listening to them allows your child to feel heard and their fears recognised. Remind them that they can always talk to you about things that bother or concern them. Never make fun of them or punish your child because of their fears, nor allow others to do so either. Reassure and comfort your child, and let them know that you will help them work through their concerns. Assist them to prepare for new situations by talking about the experience in a calm and relaxed way. Assure your child that they will be safe and well looked after at school.

Talk about positive aspects of the day, such as doing art, using the school iPads etc.

Have lots of little role plays to practice your separation routines.

Teach your child how to calm him/herself, cope with stress and to become independent. This might include positive “self-talk”, using breathing techniques to help them relax or distraction techniques, such as playing handball with a friend before school.

By helping them to practise replacing their unhelpful thoughts with more helpful and positive thoughts the child’s anxiety levels will be reduced. Modelling positive thinking by encouraging them to “flip their thinking” such as “If I keep practicing, I’ll get better,” or “Even if I make a mistake, I can learn and do better the next time”.

Allow them to develop resilience so they learn they have the skills, realise they can get through this difficult time and develop their confidence.

At School

Talk to your child’s teacher about their anxiety so they can support you and your child through this time.
Allow your child to know that you understand his/her feelings, e.g. “I know you would like me to stay. While I wish I could stay with you too, we both have our jobs to do. I look forward to seeing you again after school.”

Be kind but firm about why your child has to go to school—to learn, make friends, etc.

Always say goodbye before you leave, even if you have to go while she/he is upset. This builds trust in the relationship. Sneaking out or trying to get away without them seeing you may affect this trust.
When leaving, give a quick kiss and hug, and cheerfully say goodbye.
Once you have said “goodbye” try not to drag out your departure or come back several times as this can extend the process.
Your child may need a comforter or something they can look after for you while you are away. These should be small rather than expensive items like your mobile phones or things that are very precious or important. Instead everyday items, such as the “afternoon shopping list”, can be helpful as it gives them something to look forward to doing with you after school.
Do not give in. Anxiety can feel overwhelming, however, helping you child to restructure their negative thinking and learning they can push through this will build resilience and confidence in the situation. Let the child know that he or she will be all right.
Remind your child of the previous brave things he/she has done and how they got through the situation.

Talking to your child about how a fictional character might handle fearful situations can also be beneficial.
Explain to him/her when you will be coming back and where you will meet them. e.g. “After art I will meet you out the front library on the green bench”.

Be reliable and always come back when you say you will. If for some reason you can’t get back on time, let the school know your new plans so they will be able to tell your child about the change in plans and when you will come.

After school

Sometimes when children are away from parents during the day they seem to want to “make-up time” at night by staying up late. Try to give them extra time with you in the evenings; however, maintaining evening routines is also important.
Have regular morning and evening routines to encourage them to feel comfortable.
Take time to reflect on what is happening at home. Are there stressful situations going on that are worrying your child? Are mornings more tense as you all try to get into the routine of getting everyone out of the door on time? What might you be able to put in place to help you ease these morning pressures?
Children are often more tired and may be more irritable than usual in the first few weeks of school after the holidays. Making allowances for this with extra-curricular activities and bedtimes routines may be helpful. Providing regular relaxation and down times can be quite helpful. Some activities that can be helpful might include:
Quiet music to relax as part of the evening wind down routine
Tensing and relaxing body parts
Relaxation stories, e.g. floating on a cloud or letting a gentle wave wash over them.
Imagining they are in their favourite place. Try and imagine what they would see, hear, smell and feel.

While all children experience different levels of anxiety, some cope with difficult situations in more effective ways than others. It can sometimes be out of proportion to threats from the environment. Keep in contact with your child’s teacher to find out how they are doing. Anxiety becomes a problem when it prevents children from enjoying normal life experiences for a long period of time. If you find this separation anxiety continues support from a counsellor or family therapist can help you and your child develop strategies so they can learn to push through and become more resilient and confident.

BY LOUISE GAY GOSS
Cred. Grad Cert CFT, Adv. Dip, CFT, Cert. IV Christian Counselling,
MACA B.Ed. E.C.E, Dip. Ed, E.C.E, Cert IV TAE