Research shows why some apologies are more effective than others. Two studies have reported that there are six components of an apology. Additionally, repairing trust violations were seen as more compelling than expressions of remorse for integrity based violations.
Apologies are central to conflict management. When we hurt someone a quick apology with an expression of regret is usually the best way we can go about to repair a relationship from the damage done. There are true heart felt apologies and there are self-centred apologies that aren’t sincere.
6 components used to determine the sincerity of an apology with examples
1. Express regret – “I’m sorry that I did that”
2. Acknowledge responsibility – “it’s all my fault, I’m responsible”
3. Explain what went wrong – “This is why and what happened”
4. Request forgiveness – “Please forgive me for……”
5. Declare repentance – “I won’t do it again, what I did was wrong”
6. Offer of repair – Here you can offer to minimise the damage wherever possible.
Some people will choose not to use all of these components at the same time when putting together a sincere apology. True apologies come from the heart.
How to apologise effectively
Often when we hurt someone they lose trust and confidence in us. The methods we can use to effectively restore trust are listed below. However we have to keep in mind that not all persons who have been hurt will be ready to hear an apology and may not care to restore the relationship and may not forgive you.
• Accept responsibility for your behaviour and acknowledge that you at fault.
• Offer to repair the damage, even if you can’t completely undo what was done. There are things you can do to lessen the impact.
• Express your regret, explain what went wrong and declare repentance.
Of all these the least effective part of an apology is asking for forgiveness. Without expressing remorse, sorrow, offering repair or acknowledging responsibility asking for forgiveness may not be received too well.
How we communicate an apology is important if you really want to repair a relationship.
Apologies over the phone, by email or text messages is socially viewed as insincere when there’s the possibility of saying it face to face. Especially when the other person can’t hear your ‘tone of voice’ or see your facial expressions or read body language over digital technology. Others want to be able to know that you mean it.
Watch your demeanour and don’t deliver the message while you’re angry. The apology attempt will most likely backfire.
Gather the courage to say you’re sorry. An apology can be the most humbling experience a person can have, but it’s an essential part of taking responsibility to restore relationships. It can be quite scary and uncomfortable but in short, you just have to own it and make sure that you mean it.
Where to get help
Search for a counsellor near you – www.theaca.net.au
Men’s Line Australia – Talk it over with someone who understands – 1300 78 99 78 https://www.mensline.org.au/
Lifeline – A free 24 hour Crisis Counselling service – 13 11 14
https://www.lifeline.org.au/
Kids Help Line – 1800 55 1800 – http://kidshelpline.com.au/
Sources
An exploration of the structure of effective apologies – Negotiation and conflict management research. http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/ncmr.12073/abstract
Psychology Today – https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201604/the-most-important-part-apology-and-the-least
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